WEAPON ENVY #4: SEXY SABER

As phallic symbols go, the Star Wars lightsabers up the ante by being literally “hot.” And, technically speaking, they’re more humane weapons than mere swords.

I mean, each time a Jedi decapitates an opponent, the opponent still survives because the lightsaber does not only make a clean cut…it also cauterizes the opponent’s cut part. The bleeding is immediately stopped and death is avoided.

Check out this awesome detailed rendering of the lightsaber from HowStuffWorks.com:

But more than its delightful “technical capabilities,” the lightsaber is truly one sexy weapon. One can go as far as to say that it brings sexy back to long-bladed weapons even if it’s not actually equipped with a blade. It has that mojo. (It must be the Jedi mind tricks working!)

Though the lightsaber first appeared in 1977’s Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, it was not until its prequel, 1999’s Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, that the weapon’s phallic symbol potential was fully realized. Truth be told, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor, who played Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn and young Obi-Wan Kenobi, respectively, did much too boost the phallic symbol status of the lightsaber.

Back in 1977, Mark Hamill still projected a squeeky-clean, wholesome All-American Boy image as he wielded the lightsaber as an adult Luke Skywalker.

Even as Mark Hamill takes on a powerful fighting stance while holding a supposedly deadly weapon, he still looks like the boy you want to take home to Mommy. His lightsaber was safe and not in any way tinged by sexual associations.

Then again, both Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor have been rumored to have very impressive lightsabers way before they were even cast as Jedis. Or so the Hollywood grapevine goes.

I myself can only personally attest to the fact that Ewan’s lethal weapon can, indeed, send people running. Believe me, to this day, I think of 1996’s The Pillow Book as the film where Ewan McGregor’s prized appendage deserved co-star billing. All the girls I know who have watched this flick have shrieked at the sight of the real-life lightsaber. Then, of course, they freeze frame that scene and look closer. I know so because my friends and I did the same thing. We all came to this conclusion: The movie might as well have been titled Anaconda.

Hence, it was but natural that Ewan McGregor would be tapped to play a Jedi and given a lightsaber to play with. Though, in his case, the lightsaber is already redundant. What he’s packing is more formidable than a fictional weapon.

Now, me, I’m just a nice lapsed Catholic girl who could sure use a lightsaber right about now. I hope there’s a genius out there who will soon figure out a way to actually produce these sexy sabers. This early, I’m signing up for one box. I’ll go as far as trade one of my kidneys for it.

Feel free to misinterpret my statements. Whichever saber you think I’m talking about is it.