The world’s all abuzz with God’s top boys at the V-Club weighing in on bad drivers by coming up with their very own list of commandments intended to keep road monsters at bay.
Check out the Vatican’s latest handiwork:
The Ten Commandments for Road Use
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between
people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with
unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims
of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and
domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not-so-young not to drive
when they are not in a fit condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the
appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating
experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible towards others.
I give the list A for effort but I seriously doubt it if these boys themselves experience the actual hell of being the designated driver and maneuvering through streets crammed with nincompoops. After all, it’s so easy to tell someone how to drive when you don’t really drive yourself. The road to heaven may be paved with good intentions but those intentions don’t remain good if you’re living in the real world. And, baby, being a priest living in the Vatican is not really reality. To date, I know of only one V-Boy who is said to willingly take public transport. Here’s his profile when they were all wondering who the next Pope would be:
A Latin American Pope?
“There’s a feeling that it’s Latin America’s turn,” says Tom Reese, editor of the Jesuit magazine.
One candidate is 66-year old Jorge Mario Bergoglio, an Argentinian intellectual Jesuit who is considered as a conservative on doctrinal and spiritual matters.
If he were to become Pope, Bergoglio’s simplicity and humility would strike the world. In Argentina, for example, he takes public transportation rather than a chauffer-driven limousine.
Now, if this guy were Pope and he drafted the commandments all by himself, I’m sure the rules on the roster would be more realistic. After all, not all of us are aspiring to have stigmata or anything. I am extremely exasperated over this: “Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.”
Trust pampered Catholics (and, hey, the boys at the V-Club are pampered) to turn everyone into a damn wuss. Boys, do you even know what the heck you’re talking about? You may know the Bible like the back of your hands and you may be able to recite the names of the saints in your sleep but you don’t know what it’s like to fight through traffic and hordes of other commuters everyday. And please don’t pull out the I-suffered-as-a-child-in-a-war-torn-village card or any similar cards. Heck, if you suffered as a kid, why would you want others to suffer too?
If anything, pedestrians and other commuters are also in need of such divine protection.
And by that, I’d like to point out that it’s not just drivers who can be assholes. Pedestrians and commuters get a lot of shit from other pedestrians and commuters.
So, with that in mind, I have crafted…
The Ten Commandments for Pedestrians and Commuters
1. Thou shall not subject your fellow commuters to halitosis or any
body odor that is not a symptom of a life-threatening disease.2. Thou art obliged to give up seats to pregnant women and old
ladies–regardless of whether you are a man or a woman.3. Thou shall not shove, mash, or grope other train riders.
4. Thou shall not comb thy hair while packed in tight with other
public transport commuters.5. Thou art not obliged to help victims who are at fault for their
own accidents.6. Thou shall not have a detailed conversation about your sex
lives with other commuters listening in.7. Thou shall not be allowed to poke the butts of other commuters
with your umbrellas.8. Thou shall kill backseat drivers.
9. Thou should not counter traffic flow or go on the sidewalk when
you are on a bike. You stop being a pedestrian the moment you
get on that contraption.10. Thou shall remember that pedestrian lanes are there for a
reason.
Any objections? Sorry, V-Club boys. Good intentions just don’t cut it no more.
On the other hand, I think that the best way to discipline asshole pedestrians is to announce to every driver that they will get, say, $100,000 for every bad pedestrian they run over. But in order to be eligible for the price, they should not have had any traffic violation for the past 12 months.
But then I don’t think the boys at the Vatican will like that scheme at all. At least, I think they won’t.
