HAIL THE TURTLES!

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT)–Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael, and Michaelangelo–are a fictional team of four anthro-turtle mutants, who are trained by their sensei, Master Splinter (an anthro-rodent), to become skilled ninja warriors. The turtles live in the New York City sewer system, are addicted to pizza, and bust bad guys whenever they get the chance.

The TMNT originated in an American comic book published by Mirage Studios in 1984. The concept arose from a comical sketch by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. The two later self-published a single issue TMNT comic book.

Who would have thought that mutant turtles could dislodge the testosterone festival that is 300 from the top spot? (Sure, it’s a minor upset for the faux Spartans but it’s a big step for the freaky turtles!)

Yes, the sexually deprived adult in me loves 300. I’m game to watch nearly-naked men strut their stuff for all the world to see without fear of being caught in a police raid or being struck down by lightning.

Never mind Gerard Butler, who I’m sure has his charms. I, however, thought David Wenham was the delectable one in 300.

Nevertheless, I cheered for the turtles when, on March 30, 2007, the Baltimore Sun reported that the shelled crimebusters raked in $24.million on its initial weekend run in the US.

Another movie rules the US box office now but I’m still smiling about the turtles’ triumph. I also thought that if the 300 noble Spartans and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joined forces, the world would be a better, safer place. Hmmm. 300 Turtles, anyone?

Such a “movie merger” could really work. Both movies are Warner Brothers productions. TMNT movies never attract any racial outrage and 300 could use the comic relief. Blasphemous, you say? Blasphemy,if you notice, is sort of my middle name.

Well, the TMNT crew can just be assimilated into the Spartan army. I don’t think King Leonidas will reject them. They’re tough (in more ways than one), they look good in next-to-nothing, they’re agile, and they’re charming. Plus, they might as well be Spartan for all the hardships they’ve been through. Besides, they have nice fighting forms, don’t you think?

I have the hots for Donatello. He’s one hunky turtle. I can’t wait until he becomes legal. (What is he now? Still 17? I don’t want to be convicted of bestial statutory rape.)

As the turtles say, “Cowabunga!!!”