Summertime means a lot of idle time. And you know what they say about idle time. It’s the perfect opportunity for the nasty little devil inside you to suggest that you try out many crazy things.
As kids, we only went as far as smoking Mommy’s cigarettes or breaking into Daddy’s supposedly secret porn stash at the back of the closet. But, of course, kids grow up and summer quickly becomes something else. The idyllic time for coming-of-age childish pranks quickly becomes a delightful time for sizzling adult fun. Never mind what the science books say.
Male rams, those fine but not-at-all-cute furry creatures suffer from reduced libido during the summer as a result of heat stress. Fortunately, humans are much better at taking the mind-over-matter route when sex matters are concerned. No horny man or woman has ever let the temperatures affect his or her desire to get down and dirty.
When it comes to doing the nasty, PAG-ASA’s weather report is immaterial. Hot or cold or even with acid rain burning though the roof, any red-blooded Maria or Jose will still entertain nasty thoughts and, of course, do nasty deeds. More than environmental conditions, it’s the vast amount of idle time that makes summer the most perfect time for flings and other depraved sexual activities.
For purposes of coherence, we shall only discuss summer flings and not specific depraved summer sex acts involving ice cubes or ice cream. You get the picture: cold edible substances applied to sensitive body parts make for some X-rated summertime action.
Now, back to summer flings, the great equalizer of amorous partnerships. Why the “great equalizer of amorous relationships”? Well, it’s because the rules of involvement are practically thrown out the window when it comes to summer flings. To best illustrate how a summer fling goes, here’s a guide to conducting one:
1. Get thee to a far-flung resort or any out-of-the-way vacation spot. The farther you are from your turf the better—especially if you’re going to be unfaithful. When you’re out of your comfort zone, you can reinvent yourself. If you’re just one of the nameless run-of-the-mill frazzled pencil-pushers in Metro Manila, you can become a mysterious, devil-may-care free spirit when you get to that nice resort in Davao. But if “becoming” another person proves to be too much work, just project the bored-and-super-horny summer fling look.
2. Leave your conscience, religious beliefs, and your tendency to be mushy at home. There is no room for sincere feelings in a summer fling. The objective is to get laid at all costs. Arm yourself with the requisite pseudo-sweet chitchat and unleash your carnal bullshit to strangers you meet at the beach or your chosen summer hunting ground’s best bar. Remember not to put anything in writing. Consider not giving your summer fling mate your real name or address. When you feel a tiny twinge of guilt, tell yourself that all is fair in love and furtive vacation fucking.
3. Lower your standards and throw your inhibitions down the drain. Just as you can create another identity for yourself, you can say goodbye to your perceived good taste. There’s no need for it when you’re far away from the people whom you have to impress. There’s no need to take the moral high ground when your mother or father isn’t around to remind you to be “decent.” It’s useless to pretend to be a saint when your parish priest and perhaps your children aren’t around to make you feel guilty. Thus, an amazingly well-preserved 60-year-old rich woman can feel free to have an affair with a semi-literate but hunky resort gardener. Or, a very erudite male politician can have a grand time with the sexy beachcomber who has never read a newspaper.
4. Choose a summer fling mate who has a built-in expiration date, so to speak. Do not hook up with a foolish man or woman who has been hearing wedding bells since he or she was eight years old. These seemingly docile people are the ones who turn into psychos who boil adorable bunnies when you tell them, “Sorry, I can’t be with you after summer because I’m too ashamed to be seen with you.”
5. Do as many kinky things as possible—including having sex on the beach, having sex on the rooftop, or, if you get lucky, sex in an airplane. Be as wild as you have always wanted to be in bed or out of it. Of course, don’t forget to do unspeakably shameless things with ice cubes or ice cream.
The best part about being in the summer fling is that there are—ideally—no strings attached. Everyone goes back to their normal lives at the end of the summer. It’s an absolute must-do for those who are a little scared of commitment and for prudes who are itching to break free from their own mental and physical frigidity.
Adulterous men and women, nymphomaniacs, and sex addicts should also wise up and get in on the summer fling program. Sure, you shell out a good deal of money to travel by plane, ship, or bus and then shell out even more for resort rental—but the summer fling is less likely to be found out than, say, a melodramatic ho-hum office affair. It’s fun and easy. Plus, you get to see new sights whenever you take a break from illicit coupling.
It goes without saying that summer flings are for adults only—not for those who subscribe to romantic notions of love-at-first-sight, true love, or any manner of genuine love. Of course, some people get lucky and find their soul mates on summer getaways. But then, heck, it’s safe to say that there are more players on the prowl when the heat is on. And, if they get entangled in a messy fling-gone-wrong, these smooth operators can always blame the heat for their libidinous ventures.
As for me, I’m staying home with my teddy bears this summer. For the rest of you, please practice safe sex. The least you can do is make sure that your flings don’t result in unwanted babies or venereal disease.
