These days, women easily become bitches for no apparent reason. I find this really sad because I don’t believe that women turn mean just like that. No, the I-have-my-period defense is not valid at all.My bleeding cycle comes twice a month and I still have not messed up other people’s lives. I don’t even make those bitchy comments that are often veiled as jokes. (They’re the psychological equivalent of cat crap expertly concealed in the hardest-to-reach nooks and crannies.) Maybe it’s because I no longer ever take the damned Metro Rail Transit.
In any case, the bitches in the Bible at least had a good excuse to wreak havoc. These ladies are my top five picks:
BATHSHEBA
Wet and Wild
According to good old Wikipedia, the story of David’s seduction of Bathsheba, told in II Samuel 11: et seq. is omitted in Chronicles. (I do not have an actual Bible with me so must rely on Wikipedia’s allegations.) The king, while walking on the roof of his house, saw Bathsheba taking a bath, and immediately fell in love with her. The problem was, the bathing beauty was the wife of Uriah the Hittite.But that did not stop David. He banged Bathsheba and knocked her up. In an effort to cover up his sin, David summoned Uriah from the army (with whom he was on campaign) in the hopes that Uriah would sleep with Bathsheba, and thus the child could be passed off as Uriah’s.
This event in Biblical history served as the precedent for divorce laws and the building of indoor bathrooms. And, hey, what the hell was King David doing walking on the roof of his house? Bathsheba may be blameless. After all, she couldn’t help it if she looked good while bathing.
DELILAH
The Original Scissor Sister
As Wikipedia speculates, Delilah was approached by the Philistines, the enemies of Israel, to discover the secret of Samson’s strength. Three times she asked Samson for the secret of his strength and three times he gave her a false answer. On the fourth occasion he gave her the true reason (that he did not cut his hair in fulfillment of a vow to God) and Delilah betrayed him to his enemies.In the sanitized version of this story, dramatized in cartoon show Superbook, Delilah took some scissors and snipped away at Samson’s locks while the big guy was sleeping. (Er…were scissors already around back then? Or is my childhood memory screwed up? Then again, I already like the tagline I coined for Delilah.) Superbook never showed how or why the Bible’s Incredible Hulk got so tired that he didn’t wake up even when Delilah was manhandling his head. I think he got so tired because of Delilah’s extraordinary bed skills. As such, the term, “giving head,” ensued from the Samson and Delilah story.
LILITH
Runaway Bride
“A medieval reference to Lilith as the first wife of Adam is in the apocryphal The Alphabet of Ben-Sira, written sometime between the eighth and eleventh centuries,” so goes the Wikipedia entry.Rumor has it that Lilith refused to assume a subservient role to Adam during sexual intercourse. She said, “I will not lie below,” and he said, “I will not lie beneath you, but only on top. You are fit only to be in the bottom position, while I am to be the superior one.” Thus, Lilith bailed out on the relationship that was seemingly forged in heaven. Lilith promptly uttered the name of God, took to the air, and left the Garden, settling on the Red Sea coast. Lilith then went on to mate with Samael and various other demons she found beside the Red Sea, creating countless demon-kids. Talk about fucking with a vengeance!
I actually admire Lilith for having the balls to leave Adam. Hey, think about it, he was indeed the only man in the world at the time. Thus, Lilith’s emancipation serves as the de facto origin of the expression, “I would not fuck you even if you were the last man left on earth.”
Technically speaking, Lilith’s name is never mentioned in the version of the Bible that we have today. The Bible’s spin doctors make it look like Eve was the first wife. Yes, they probably just cut out the whole Lilith segment.
SALOME
Dancing Queen
Abba’s hit, “Dancing Queen,” was probably inspired by Salome. Wikipedia relates: “Salome was the step-daughter of Herod Antipas, and danced before Herod and her mother Herodias at the occasion of Herod’s birthday, and by doing so caused the death of John the Baptist. The New Testament suggests that Salome caused John to be executed because of his complaints that Herod’s marriage to Herodias was adulterous.” Salome’s hot mama purportedly asked Salome to make the demand to have John the Baptist’s head served on a platter.Personally, I think Salome was only doing what any dutiful daughter would do when confronted by a stage mother. Everyone knows that when mothers make demands, you can’t really deny them anything. Or maybe Salome had the hots for John the Baptist and was only getting back at him for rejecting her. She probably thought he was lying when he told her, “Sorry, Sally, I can’t be in a relationship because I have to serve God.”
SARAH
Wicked Wife
In Superbook, Sarah was portrayed as a kind woman with a passing resemblance to Susan Sarandon, (That is, if Susan Sarandon became a cartoon character.) That was why I was aghast when Wikipedia revealed the dirt on her:
“When God told Abraham to leave his homeland and journey to an unknown land (later identified as Canaan), Sarah accompanied him. However, when they arrived they were met with a famine, and decided to take refuge in Egypt. Fearing that Sarah’s beauty would put his life in danger if their true relationship became known, Abraham proposed that she pass as his sister.As Abraham had feared, Sarah was taken by Pharaoh, who rewarded Abraham richly on her account. However, God struck Pharaoh and company with severe plagues, after which Pharaoh suspected the truth. He censured Abraham and bade him to take his wife and depart. According to the classic Jewish commentaries, Pharaoh was nevertheless impressed with Abraham’s righteousness, and sent his own daughter, Hagar, to be a handmaid to Sarah.
While God promised Abraham that he would yet be a father of nations, Sarah remained childless. To help her husband fulfill his destiny, she offered her Egyptian handmaid Hagar to him as a concubine. Hagar became pregnant immediately, and began to despise her mistress. Sarah bitterly upbraided her husband, and Abraham responded that she should do with her handmaid as she deemed best. Sarah’s harsh treatment of Hagar forced the handmaid to flee to the desert.”
Now, Sarah shouldn’t have used Hagar as her whipping girl. If anything, her story should make us all realize that women should never take it out on each other whenever they are caught in situations resulting from the decisions of men’s dicks. That’s right. Most men are really just life support systems for their dicks.Regrettably, many present-day bitches simply become the way they are for the most superfluous reasons. I have some sympathy for them. It takes a whole lot of stamina to resist turning into a bitch. That’s why I’m doing my darndest to not turn into one even when confronted with a whole posse of them.
9 responses so far ↓
reitch // February 1, 2007 at 8:55 am |
Faye dahling, loved your list. You left out my two favorites, though: Ruth and Naomi, two very audacious females. Naomi is one embittered widow who’s lost all her sons, but she still gives advice to her daughter-in-law in snagging a new guy! She practically hatches the entire plan:
“‘Wash and perfume yourself, and put on your best clothes. Then go down to the threshing floor, but don’t let him know you are there until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, note the place where he is lying. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do.”
“I will do whatever you say,” Ruth answered. So she went down to the threshing floor and did everything her mother-in-law told her to do.
When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile. Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down. In the middle of the night something startled the man; he turned—and there was a woman lying at his feet!
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I am your servant Ruth,” she said. “Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a family guardian.”
Astig di ba? In some versions of the Bible Ruth actually tells him bluntly, “Please marry me.” How very forward… I just love the Old Testament.
Faye Ilogon // February 1, 2007 at 8:58 am |
Wahahaha! My God! Reitch, thanks for reading! Ruth sounds fierce. Hehehe.
I must expand my list one of these days. Salamat sa pagbasa.
Vikki // March 17, 2007 at 12:51 am |
You forgot Jezebel, biggest she bitch of the old testament! She had prophets killed in order to place her own in court. Her husband was a whiny push over, Ahab, and he did whatever she wanted. She was the real ruler (not just a pretty queen). When he was denied his neighbor’s vineyard, (willed to his neighbor Naboth)he came home to sulk and refused to eat or get out of bed. Annoyed, Jezebel said she’d handle it and had notes written in her hubby’s name. One was to hire citizens to call out Naboth, saying he damned the gods and the King, and the other was to hold a feast day. So poor Naboth was pointed out, and in front of a huge crowd. He was stoned to death and Ahab got the vineyard. Jezebel also had Elijah the prophet run for his life when he tried to step on her toes for her people having too much sexy time. In the end he caught up with her and had servants toss her out a window-not before she dolled herself up with eye shadow and did her hair, oh and told him in a biblical way to F*** himself. Gotta love her, even if dogs ate her corpse. She’s the reason why bad woman (read: strong women who, yea may kill, but get what they want and are good leaders) are called jezebels. Another biblical Jezebel (may just use the name to refer to the first “bad” one) was a bit of a whore and prophet.
Faye Ilogon // March 17, 2007 at 2:36 am |
Thank for reading the blog, Vikki!
I shall definitely include Jezebel on the list’s sequels.
Nemcy // June 15, 2007 at 5:36 am |
I don’t have any suggestions to add on your list Faye since I am not quite a “fan” of the Bible. I am a Catholic, yes, but not an avid one. But Lilith is one bitch that is somewhat.. hehehe… inspiring?
Faye Ilogon // June 15, 2007 at 5:58 am |
Nemcy, I only read the dirty parts of the Bible myself. Hehehe. So it’s okay.
Frances // June 16, 2007 at 8:00 pm |
You forgot Esther! She won a beauty contest to become the queen of … I forget, Babylon or Persia? Thing is she was a Jew but she kept it secret kasi mukhang malakas ang racism against them. Sa sobrang grabe ng anti-Semitic feeling, there was this guy, the king’s adviser, who wanted to be the very first Hitler. So Esther had to do something!
Now back then (and in some cases, till now), wives can’t tell their husbands what to do or else they get severely hurt or executed. Also, queens can’t enter the king’s court/presence without his permission. But she dared to anyway (but not before she made herself dazzling!). The king, her hubby, got so dazzled, he forgot to kill her for her brazen disregard for the law.
Anyway, she says, “King, I’m here to invite you to a special party. There, I will ask you a favor. Oh, and bring your trusted adviser as my special guest.”
King and adviser go. At the party, she asks he and adviser attend another party the next night. At that party, she reveals that a terrible man was out to kill her and her people. King is aghast. Horrified. Outraged!!! “Who is this monster who wants to kill my beautiful and sexy wife?”
She, in all her regal rage, rises and points to the adviser. “It is he! Kill him!”
And the king obeys. Punyeta. Hanep!
* * * * *
Oh, and there’s also Rahab! She was the one who was most instrumental in the Fall of Jericho. Traitorous bitch.
Vincent // July 2, 2007 at 8:54 am |
Three best bitches…..Rahab the prostitute , Bathsheba the adulterer and Ruth, the Midianite. All of them were ancestors of Jesus.
Bo // February 6, 2008 at 2:15 am |
If you are going to sequel this blog, then consider Potipher’s wife for your list.
She’s the one who desired Joseph, tried to seduce him, and when he didn’t reciprocate, she tore her clothes and cried rape, causing Joseph to be thrown in jail.
<3