MY EXTRA DIRTY MIND

Though I didn’t exactly froth at the mouth when I came across this stamp as I was mindlessly surfing the Net, I must confess that I couldn’t help but do a secret wiggle when I saw this piece of art. I think it’s pretty cool. The Big Bad Wolf sure looks cute.

I present Stacie Orrico’s “I’m Not Missing You.”

If you’re too dense, please check the chorus:

“I’m not missing you
I’m not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I’m not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I’m usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it’s different
I don’t even feel the distance
I’m not missing
I’m not missing you.“

Our story has ended so stop fucking up my day with small-talk greetings. You didn’t have the decency to cut cleanly, so I can’t look at you kindly. I don’t think anyone can blame me. Happy fucking New Year. Stay away from me or I’ll charge you for the waiting time.

You want to be friends? Sure. In 30 years. Maybe.

I think Oded Fehr is one of those guys who incites lust at first sight. As mysterious warrior Ardeth Bey in The Mummy movies, he easily became the de facto sex symbol of the series. And it wasn’t just because his co-stars Brendan Fraser (the lead actor) looked just cute in a funny-goofy way and Arnold Vosloo didn’t have enough screen time (and when he did, he was a fearsome mummy).

No, I think the secret to Oded Fehr’s appeal is the fact that the desert backdrop really suits him. In the same way that some men only look bed-worthy when they’re wearing their uniform (be they part of the military, medical, or fastfood service industry), Oded Fehr looks sizzling hot when he’s garbed to ward off sandstorms and cactus.

In real life, Oded Fehr owes his sand-magnet good looks to his Israeli heritage. Out of his desert getup, however, Oded Fehr looks tame. He’s still hot–but the temperature is considerably turned down.

Whoever his lucky girlfriend is, she should keep her man close to the desert sands.

1. Suicide is a luxury that not everyone can afford.

2. Sometimes you’re better off thinking that the grass is greener on the other side rather than crossing over to the other side and finding out that the grass only looked that green from afar because it’s fake grass.

3. People whose kindness isn’t consistent are bad people.

4. Married men who are out on the prowl are the very best liars.

5. You can’t do “spring cleaning” in a country that doesn’t experience spring.

The jury is still out on whether or not all men give nicknames to their dicks. But I did a quick survey over the office’s water cooler and found out that a good number of men do name their dicks.

Some of us may wonder, “Why?”So far, the best answer I’ve heard is this: “Men name their dicks because they don’t want to let a complete stranger make major decisions for them.” Now, whoever first uttered this statement deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature or at least a complimentary meal at Scott Burger. I spent some time trying to find out the said genius’ name but Google and Wikipedia failed me this time around.

Anyway, the water cooler revelations had me wondering about how men assign monikers to their dicks. I figured there had to be some science involved in such a momentous undertaking.

I mean, nowadays, I don’t think men simply name their dicks, Junior or Juan. Most Filipino males are notorious for their lack of imagination…but, heck, it’s already 2007. It’s safe to assume that the average Pinoy man has evolved a bit…at least in terms of choosing dick names.

However, names like Godzilla, Mike (as a reference to a microphone), Superman, and General aren’t exactly proofs of evolution. My water cooler subjects were grown and presumably educated men but their inner children were running the show. Then again, all men are like that. These testosterone-based creatures need all the help they can get in naming their dicks.

In my opinion, men ought to take the task of naming their dicks very, very seriously. If screwing is indeed men’s de facto “business,” then their dicks are their main assets in sexual commerce. Dicks are their tools of trade. The success or failure of their businesses depends on how their dicks are perceived. And perception starts with a killer dick name.

Thus, I have appropriated an article from Nolo, an online site tackling legalese. The article, “Choosing a Business Name,” was very helpful in my quest to formulate a guideline to naming dicks.

So, guys, read and learn. Keep these rules in mind when you decide to name your dicks or when you decide to change your crappy dick names:

1. The best dick name depends on a host of considerations—some as obvious as the kind of fucker you are.

Pick a dick name that suggests the carnal pleasures you offer. If that’s the case, it’s not a good idea to call your dick, “Speedy” or “The Flash.” To effectively advertise your bed skills without seeming too obvious, you might want to name your dick, “Bunny.” Hopefully, you’ll be with a woman who’s smart enough to get the reference to the Energizer Bunny. However, if you’re with a woman who doesn’t even know the proper title of our national anthem, just tell her that your dick’s name is “Jojo.”

2. Choose a dick name that’s relatively short. Naming your dick “Charles, Prince of Wales,” “President Bill Clinton,” or “Manny ‘Pacman’ Pacquiao” is not a good idea.

Like domesticated animals, dicks respond well to names with a maximum of three syllables. Only highly-evolved dicks are able to respond to names with more than three syllables. Therefore, I suggest names like “Ferdinand,” “Joseph,” and “Edgardo.” But employ common sense in choosing names. Obviously, you can’t name your dick “Joker.”

3. It’s fairly okay to name your dick after food groups or food products—provided that it’s the right sort of edible stuff. It goes without saying that you can’t name your dick “Balut,” “Vetsin,” or “Cheese.”

The best way to go is to name your dick after chocolate bars. “Snickers,” “Milky Way,” and “Toblerone” are good dick names. Certain hamburger names like “Big Mac” and “Whopper” also work. In fact, if you’re confident that your “package” can live up to its name, go ahead and call your dick “Happy Meal.”

4. Distinguish your dick from its competitors with a tagline. Go for a tagline that’s realistic and enticing. Resist the urge to steal taglines like “Billions and billions served,” “Finger-lickin’ good, “and “Powered by 15 years of experience.”

Go for humorous taglines with potentially-naughty subliminal claims like “What you see is what you get,” “Try me,” and “Built to last.”

5. Even if you change partners, don’t change your dick name. It’s important for you to commit to a dick name even if you can’t commit to one woman.

Women come and go but your dick is attached to you forever. Be kind to it and give it the respect it deserves. Think hard before you name your “real best friend.” And, yes, naming your dicks after guns or obvious phallic symbols is passé. Then again, the names “Baby Armalite” and “Mongol” have their charm.

Keep in mind, though, that there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for picking a great dick name. It’s all up to you. I’m sure your dick will let you know if it wants another name. It’ll probably refuse to perform if you give it a genuinely bad name like “Sperminator.”